Tiger's So-Called Illness (Written by Mame Saah)

The 2010 Golf Masters Tournament has me thinking about the Tiger Woods scandal again. I remember saying to myself when the rehab thing hit the news: “Somebody tell me what I’m hearing is not true. Since when was the desire for sex an illness? Tiger Woods has been diagnosed with sex addiction?“ Here is another high profile person, too rich for his own good, indirectly refusing to take responsibility for his actions. Let’s play this out in a Tiger Woods monologue, shall we?

Act one, Scene one: (Enter Tiger Woods with his Nike cap on. On his lap is the gulf club with which his wife Elin allegedly almost killed him. Tiger is sitting on his suitcase headed for the dog house. His newest residence.)

“I have been caught cheating on my wife with multiple women. How do I get out of this without looking like the devil incarnate? Oh, wait a minute! Let me go hide out at some luxurious vacation center aka sexual rehabilitation center for rich folks for a few weeks while the “storm” passes. Voila! There’s my answer. Now America will have so much sympathy for me. What I did was not my fault at all. I was totally unaware because my mental faculties were not functioning right. Infact, demons took over my brains. Yes, I have an illness called sexual addiction. I tricked my wife many times, I deceived her and my family, I paid handlers to protect my reputation. Oh yes, I was miraculously able to use my brains for a minute to plan my sexual escapades despite my mental illness. Even though I’m mentally incapable of controlling my sexual desires, I was able to control who knew about my adultrous life for years. Yes, I am Tiger Woods and I am a sexaholic!

I am the world’s greatest golfer. I am able to maintain a career that requires serious determination and self control because I value my career so much. Hmm, I wonder, if I valued my wife and kids that much, would I show the same amount of determination and exercise the same level of control to protect my family from deceit and embarrassment? But wait a minute! I am rich. I have money. I can sleep with every woman in a skirt and get away with it. That’s why I am weaving Elin and America round my little finger. I will do this rehab thing for a long as I can drag the maze over their eyes so they don’t see what I am really up to. Already, people are defending me. They are saying that I am human. Humans make mistakes. Humans take marriage vows and go back on them all the time. Let me see, what is 13 times 100? Yeah that’s how many times I think I went back on my vows. Yep, it’s my illness that made me do it. And oh, when I make my first apology to America, I will select my own reporters and who can be in the room recording my “apology” to Elin and my fans. Yep! Ahuhn! I am able to plan this press conference with my “people” though I am mentally incapable of controlling the organ that lies beneath my belt buckle.

Life is good. Nike hasn’t dropped me yet. I am already playing golf again. Elin is still sticking around. I already have a lot of fans supporting me. Very soon, all this drama will be a thing of the past. Oh yes, indeed life is good. Mm-mmm, let me rehearse my speech for my next rehab group session: “Hi, I am Tiger Woods and I am a sexaholic. I am already planning my relapses because addicts have relapses all the time, right? So, this time next year, when I sleep with more women, America will call it a relapse. They will be so sympathetic and I will be headed back to rehab again. Yep, my name is Tiger Woods and I have a real illness called sex addiction.””