Africans in the Diaspora: 30 Habits That Expose Your True Identity (Written By Mame Saah)

When I was thinking of what to write about as the first blog item on Osaah’s Pen, many ideas came to mind but none struck a chord so dear to my heart than poking fun at my lovely African brothers and sisters! So brothers and sisters in the Diaspora, this one is for you. I am sure you can identify with some of these and I hope you LOL! Here goes:

Let’s Begin With your Eating Habits

1. You always have a big sack of white rice in your kitchen. Like back in the day in Africa, at least two of your meals per day must feature a mountain of rice with a sauce of some dark complexion that you call stew.

2. When you go out to a restaurant, your mood begins to go downhill if you don’t see rice on the menu. And, when you do see the rice on the menu, your excitement overtakes your ability to pay attention to detail such that when your rice is served to you paired with the likes of brussels sprouts, broccoli or asparagus (as indicated on the menu,) you are tempted to ask the waiter, “do I look like a goat that you must serve me green grass in different shapes and sizes?”

3. Before you go to a white friend’s party, you make sure to fill your belly with a high starch content African meal because you know that your white friend will be serving the likes of quiche, salsa chips and salad, non of which “ tickle your fancy.”

4. At least one of your week-end meals consists of a big dumpling-like substance made out of cassava dough, corn dough, or some dough with high start content (again? hmmm!) with such names as fufu, eba and so on. This dumpling is partnered with a soup filled with animal parts. Note: it always has to be some part: pig feet, turkey neck, ox tail, cow’s stomach, goat skin. Ha!

5. No other spice in America can make your food taste as delicious as the authentic salty dried African fish aka koobi, mormoni, etc. The moment this dried fish enters your cooking pot, the ensuing aroma has your landlord/ homeowners association drafting your eviction notice for stinking up the entire neighborhood. Close your windows and light up a candle, please!

6. You refuse to buy lunch at work because you are saving your money to send to the folks back home. Your co-workers are constantly running from the lunch room the moment you bring out your home-cooked lunch. The “aroma” from your lunch is so potent that even when you decide to spare your co-workers and eat in your office behind closed doors, your colleague at the end of the hallway can still tell whenever you are eating your lunch!.

7. You very often eat with your bare hands.

On Your Grooming Habits

8. In your bathroom is located that coarse piece of fishermen’s net you call a bathing sponge. Yes, in Africa where dust follows you everywhere, this fisherman’s net does a good job of scrubbing you clean but why are you still using this net in America? Why are you having a nervous breakdown when you forget to bring your sponge on an overnight trip?

9. You have a “container” full of original shea butter hidden somewhere in your bathroom cabinet. In the driest winter, you swear by this magical African lotion. Despite its “indigenous” smell and inability to blend in with your fragrance selection from Bath and Body Works, you will not let your precious shea butter go.

10. You refuse to acknowledge that other deodorant brands exist on the planet besides the “Sure” brand. You are constantly asking for supplies from family and friends abroad and sneer at the “Secrets” brand sitting on the shelves at Wal-Mart.

On Your Traveling Habits

11. When you are on a flight going back home (Africa), you wear your Sunday best rather than comfortable clothing.

12. It takes you forever to go through the TSA security check point at the airport because taking off your clothes and being swiped takes more than 30 minutes! The pins in your hair and gold chains around your neck wrists and ankles are constantly setting the alarm off.

13. You always have excess luggage because you must bring a piece of America back to everyone of your family and friends back home.

14. Each of your suitcases, including the extra bags, is always over the weight limit. You know this even before you arrive at the airport to check in so each time, you bring an extra bag just in case the “mean” KLM representative asks you to take some of the items out of your bags so you can meet the weight requirement.

15. You are the only spectacle at the check-in lines because while other travelers are zooming through the check-in process, you are grudgingly bending over your open suitcases to take the unnecessary items out of your bags while hurling insults at the KLM representative in your native dialect.

16. In your stubbornness, you put some of the unnecessary items in your carry-on bag because no one is going to weigh that bag at the boarding gate.

17. On your return trip from Africa, the dry edible animals such as fish, snails (the number one taboo on the immigration form), shrimps and other unrecognizable animals of the African sea and forest hidden in your suitcase send the immigration dogs running for their lives the moment the suitcase “lands” at the airport.

When You Are On the Road

18. Your car is either Japanese-made or German-made.

19. You have a flag of your country, an African expression or cultural symbol somewhere in or on you car.

20. When you are having a road rage, your expletives come out in your African dialect, by default.

On Your Social Habits

22. 95% of your friends are Africans. You find it a great accomplishment if you have at least one American friend.

23. The moment you meet an American, your African accent magically “disappears” but try as you may, certain pronunciations come out in a full blown African accent. Case in point: hippopotamus, aluminium, Hyundai. And you replace letter “t” with letter “r” whenever possible.

24. You arrive at least two hours late at every event and you proudly call it the African time.

On Your Entertainment Habits

25. Despite the myriad of sports in America, no other game can take the place of Soccer in your heart. You are therefore an avid fan of a soccer team somewhere in Europe such as Chelsea, Liverpool and Manchester United. You are also a proud owner of your team’s jersey.

26. Whenever your native country’s soccer team is playing in a championship league, you take a day off or illegally stream the game on your computer at work so you can watch the game live and run commentary with your fellow African friends.

27. Your party is not complete without Guinness in your collection of drinks.

28. It’s a rare occurrence if the food served at your parties are labeled. Your non-African friends have to beg you to explain to them what they are about to torture their tongues and stomachs with.

29. The genre of music you did not care much for back in the day in Africa is now the favorite on your play list.

And Last on the List.....

30. You laughed out loud at this list because you identified with more than half of them. This makes you a true African. Unique among your “Diasporan” peers. What’s more, you hold your head up high as being African is now the “it” thing in America. Why? Because your fellow African brother Obama is the president of the United States!