Welcome to Osaah's Pen! A blog by Mame Saah. Here's your one-stop shop for the funnies, the current, the gossip and the oh-lah-lah! My pen and I hope to get a chuckle out of you during your visit. Happy Reading and do leave us a comment!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Listen to Me Arizona
I was so mad at the Arizona Immigration Bill that just passed that I decided not to comment. But then I rethought my decision. If I don’t speak out about this foolishness what purpose does that serve? So, after huffing and puffing and spewing anger from every pore of my flesh, this is what I have to say to the fools that thought this bill was a good idea: You are also not “from” America. Your ancestors came here on a boat to find greener pastures. That is why today, you can sit on your high and mighty horses and make such ridiculous rules. None of us living on this land is a native of America except the Indians. Get it right before you claim ownership of this place. If people make it across the border, leave them be to find a better life for themselves, just like your ancestors were left alone so you can hold a position in the government of your state today. If you are concerned about more people illegally coming in, tighten your borders. That is what you should be concerned about. Stop putting your frustrations on the people that are already here who have given birth to American children and are working hard to build a future for them. Why don’t you concentrate on the real criminals causing havoc on the streets of America? What have immigrants done to mess up America so bad that…w-o-o-o-o-o… they s-o-o-o need to be deported? Who do you think will be doing the menial jobs that Americans don’t want to do? Are you willing to clean your own office bathroom, empty your own trash, be your own messenger, hmmm? I don’t think so! High and mighty men and women like you who think they are better off than poor immigrants most certainly will not be bending over their own toilet bowls with scrubbing brush in hand. These immigrants, illegal or not, are here to make an honest living. They are humble enough to take on jobs that you will never apply for, just to survive and build better lives for themselves. If they are already here, make it easy for them to get their papers so they can properly report their taxes and make more money for Uncle Sam. You may think you are doing the right thing by chasing people on the streets for their papers but for us minorities, such an action only rings discrimination alarm bells in our ears. We just begun to recover from deafness caused by the racism alarm bells of the slavery era. Please spare us and stop this nonsense already!
Friday, April 23, 2010
We are Fascinated by Your Fascinator (Written by Mame Saah)
We are on the road and pressed for time but we wanted to stay faithful for our fans so we are posting our every friday LOL article before midnight. Enjoy and hope you LOL!
If you’ve ever been to a Ghanaian wedding, you may have chanced upon some flamboyant items sitting on top of some ladies’ heads. Well, permit me to educate you that thing that looks like a half hat is called a fascinator. Here are ten ways we want to tell all fascinator wearers that we are fascinated by their fascinator.
2. When you step out on the streets, people start running after you to knock the parakeet nesting on your head. They are fascinated alright!
3. You walked through a tornado and half your hat was blown away so now you have to call it a fancy name to avoid ridicule. Fascinating!
4. You can barely get your head into the car on the way to the wedding. Now you have a become a slanted broom stick on your car seat, later to deal with a fascinating stiff neck!
5. Thanks to your fascinator I missed the entire wedding. Note to self: Never sit behind a guest with a fascinator on her head. Your only chance at seeing the couple will be, let see…..never! Such fascination!
7. The hat maker didn’t want to trash his left over materials and concocted this hideous head gear that now has you seriously fascinated you think you need to pay it forward by fascinating the rest of us! How fascinating!
8. It took you five different wedding occasions to actually figure out that the name of the thing sitting on your head is called a fascinator. Fascinating indeed!
9. Equally fascinating is the fact that a lot of your friends also don’t know the name of this hair accessory but will still get themselves different varieties anyway. Why, because it’s the it thing to do. Even you are fascinated!
10. Your fascinator has become a weapon of mass destruction; you are unable to take a group photo after the wedding ceremony. People that care for their eyes and ears take cover when you attempt to join the group for the photo. Your weapon is a fascinator indeed!
Thanks for fascinating us. We promise to stay fascinated as long as you rock your fascinator!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
You Can Help Save Our Endangered Species
In celebration of Earth Day today, we have picked ten endangered species featured in the slide show (first item in the left column of this page) to help you put “faces” to the victims of the effects of global warming. The habitats of all ten animals featured are affected by global warming caused mainly by pollution. They are therefore at a risk for extinction. We need these precious animals around for an effective ecosystem necessary for the preservation of life. You can help reduce pollution/global warming in your own small way. Yes, you can! Our collective efforts can go a long way. Start by following the steps listed in our “5 Things to Do This Week” section (also on left column of this page.) The species featured in the slide show (in random order) are as follows:
- Polar Bear
- Penguins
- Arctic Fox
- Sumatran Tiger
- African Guereza Colubus Monkey
- Leatherback Sea Turtle
- Amur Leopard
- Northern Right Whales
- Hawain Monkey Seal
- Mountain Gorillas
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Lin Yu Chun: The Newest Singing Sensation
Monday, April 19, 2010
News/Gossip: Our Three Picks for April 18, 2010
Ugandan King Turns 18 and Takes Power
The ultraconservative may find this story charming while others may call it an archaic practice that should have gone away a long time ago. You decide! With that being said, if promoting culture is his primary job, why is he wearing jeans and a t-shirt on his throne in the last photo (CNN slide show?) The guy in the photo (shown here) needs to lose some weight if he’s going to properly ly prostrate. He should be fined for sticking his bottom out like that before the king. Let your potbelly hit the ground, brother! LOL! Click here for full story and don’t forget to check out the photos.
Flight Cancellations Continue in Europe
In honor of Earth Day this week, the following will be our only comment on this subject: Here’s a reminder for us all to treat our planet right to avoid volcanic eruptions so our loved ones can get to us safely and on time! Click here for story.
Danny Glover Arrested
Is that really Danny Glover being arrested or someone that looks like him? What was he doing in Gaithersburg, MD protesting with ELEVEN others on behalf of service workers? I don’t get it. Danny Glover has only eleven fans? For all the work he put in on the Lethal Weapon sets? Come on people, support a brother! LOL! Click here for story
Flight Cancellations Continue in Europe
In honor of Earth Day this week, the following will be our only comment on this subject: Here’s a reminder for us all to treat our planet right to avoid volcanic eruptions so our loved ones can get to us safely and on time! Click here for story.
Danny Glover Arrested
Is that really Danny Glover being arrested or someone that looks like him? What was he doing in Gaithersburg, MD protesting with ELEVEN others on behalf of service workers? I don’t get it. Danny Glover has only eleven fans? For all the work he put in on the Lethal Weapon sets? Come on people, support a brother! LOL! Click here for story Friday, April 16, 2010
Our Fabulous Men: 25 Signs You are Smitten, Sold or Have Just Been Together With Her for Too Long (We Mean the Latter in a Good Way) (Written By Mame Saah)
In a past life, there were certain things that you wouldn’t do/tolerate because they seemed unmanly, they didn’t come to you naturally or you just could care less. You were a man’s man, a man in your own right, and then you fell in love. You are now this person that you no longer recognize but hey, it’s all good. For all the men out there in love with their women, this one is for you. Hats off to you for showing your woman unconditional love! Here are 25 things that show your complete metamorphosis. Have a good laugh!
1. You hold her purse for her in public for more than two minutes.
2. You help her undo her braids or trim her perm.
3. You are now the official zipper (zip) “closer” of her dress, “snapper” of her bra and “puller” of her jeans that are one size too small.
4. You use her feminine fragrance lotion when you are out with her and having a case of cracked ashy skin.
5. You accompany her to the mall on her three hour shopping sprees.
6. When you are at the mall, you don’t sit on the bench outside the store. You are actually inside the store with her browsing items together.
7. When she says we have to talk, you manage to crack a smile despite your heart skipping a couple beats.
8. You are relieved when the “talk” turns out to be her yapping away about something that sounds like Greek to you but you pretend to be listening anyway.
9. You’ve replaced her name with a term of endearment such as “honey” for so long your kids think their mama’s name is “honey.”
10.You periodically call her throughout the day to let her know your location.
11. You start getting a nervous breakdown when you are out with your buddies way past your “curfew” time.
12. And if it’s past your “curfew” time, you get jolted about every half hour because your phone is vibrating non-stop with the “where are you” messages.
13. You ignore half of those calls/texts when the game or fight is getting so good; you are prepared to suffer the consequences of not picking those calls.
14. You no longer shut the bathroom door when you are handling your business.
15. You magically lose your hearing on Sunday afternoons when the football game is on.
16. You’ve learned some cool tricks that can weather all her storms. Trick numbers one and two are a hug and a kiss.
17. You occasionally eat her leftovers.
18. You dare not complain when she falls asleep on your side of the bed.
20. You’ve mastered how to sleep comfortably in the couch because you’ve been in the dog house many times.
21. You s-o-o-o do not see any other hot lady when you are out with your woman. You only delay a couple steps to steal a glance.
22. You’ve learned to let her win all the arguments.
23. There are two dates you’ve managed to memorize because you cannot handle silent treatment: her birthday and your anniversary.
24. “Excuse me” no longer follows certain necessary evil sounds exiting from the anterior and posterior ends of your body.
25. You are proud to have done or experienced all of the above because yes, you are a man who loves your woman!
1. You hold her purse for her in public for more than two minutes.
2. You help her undo her braids or trim her perm.
3. You are now the official zipper (zip) “closer” of her dress, “snapper” of her bra and “puller” of her jeans that are one size too small.
4. You use her feminine fragrance lotion when you are out with her and having a case of cracked ashy skin.
5. You accompany her to the mall on her three hour shopping sprees.
6. When you are at the mall, you don’t sit on the bench outside the store. You are actually inside the store with her browsing items together.
7. When she says we have to talk, you manage to crack a smile despite your heart skipping a couple beats.
9. You’ve replaced her name with a term of endearment such as “honey” for so long your kids think their mama’s name is “honey.”
10.You periodically call her throughout the day to let her know your location.
11. You start getting a nervous breakdown when you are out with your buddies way past your “curfew” time.
12. And if it’s past your “curfew” time, you get jolted about every half hour because your phone is vibrating non-stop with the “where are you” messages.
13. You ignore half of those calls/texts when the game or fight is getting so good; you are prepared to suffer the consequences of not picking those calls.
14. You no longer shut the bathroom door when you are handling your business.
15. You magically lose your hearing on Sunday afternoons when the football game is on.
17. You occasionally eat her leftovers.
18. You dare not complain when she falls asleep on your side of the bed.
20. You’ve mastered how to sleep comfortably in the couch because you’ve been in the dog house many times.
21. You s-o-o-o do not see any other hot lady when you are out with your woman. You only delay a couple steps to steal a glance.
22. You’ve learned to let her win all the arguments.
23. There are two dates you’ve managed to memorize because you cannot handle silent treatment: her birthday and your anniversary.
24. “Excuse me” no longer follows certain necessary evil sounds exiting from the anterior and posterior ends of your body.
25. You are proud to have done or experienced all of the above because yes, you are a man who loves your woman!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
News/Gossip: Our Top Three Picks for 4/15/2010
Larry King is Getting Divorced for the Eighth Time
Larry King has lived up to his last name. He is the King of divorce! Now eight times divorced (he was married to one woman twice) this CNN legend is a genius at his job but the epitome of a train wreck in his personal life. This time the divorce is due to an alleged affair with his wife Shawn Southwick King’s sister, Shannon Engemann. Ugh! What do people see in this wrinkly 76 year-old man that we don’t see? He must be doing something right if people still want to marry him or have an affair with him. Larry, if you have not realized it yet marriage is not for you, honey. Give it a rest and give Susan Boyle a call. You two will make a hot couple! And by couple, we mean boyfriend/girlfriend, Larry. Don’t get it twisted! Click here for full story.
World Cup Tickets Go on Sales in South Africa
It’s just tickets, people, not gold! Stop the scrambling and show some sense! Sports tickets are not worth losing a life over. Our hearts go out to the deceased man’s family. Click here for full article.
Russia Suspends US Adoptions Due to Woman’s Ridiculous Behavior
What would make a person treat an adopted child like a product that you can return when you are unsatisfied with it? This Tennessee woman put a 7-year old boy on a one-way trip back to Russia because she was unaware of his alleged mental problems. Somebody restrain us because we have a few choice words for this heartless woman! Oh, she makes us mad! We are advocates for children and have zero tolerance for idiots like her! Sigh! At least this adoption suspension could be the silver lining. Now people will be screened more before innocent children are placed in their care. Click here for full story.
World Cup Tickets Go on Sales in South Africa
It’s just tickets, people, not gold! Stop the scrambling and show some sense! Sports tickets are not worth losing a life over. Our hearts go out to the deceased man’s family. Click here for full article.
Russia Suspends US Adoptions Due to Woman’s Ridiculous Behavior
What would make a person treat an adopted child like a product that you can return when you are unsatisfied with it? This Tennessee woman put a 7-year old boy on a one-way trip back to Russia because she was unaware of his alleged mental problems. Somebody restrain us because we have a few choice words for this heartless woman! Oh, she makes us mad! We are advocates for children and have zero tolerance for idiots like her! Sigh! At least this adoption suspension could be the silver lining. Now people will be screened more before innocent children are placed in their care. Click here for full story.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Tiger's So-Called Illness (Written by Mame Saah)
The 2010 Golf Masters Tournament has me thinking about the Tiger Woods scandal again. I remember saying to myself when the rehab thing hit the news: “Somebody tell me what I’m hearing is not true. Since when was the desire for sex an illness? Tiger Woods has been diagnosed with sex addiction?“ Here is another high profile person, too rich for his own good, indirectly refusing to take responsibility for his actions. Let’s play this out in a Tiger Woods monologue, shall we?
Act one, Scene one: (Enter Tiger Woods with his Nike cap on. On his lap is the gulf club with which his wife Elin allegedly almost killed him. Tiger is sitting on his suitcase headed for the dog house. His newest residence.)
“I have been caught cheating on my wife with multiple women. How do I get out of this without looking like the devil incarnate? Oh, wait a minute! Let me go hide out at some luxurious vacation center aka sexual rehabilitation center for rich folks for a few weeks while the “storm” passes. Voila! There’s my answer. Now America will have so much sympathy for me. What I did was not my fault at all. I was totally unaware because my mental faculties were not functioning right. Infact, demons took over my brains. Yes, I have an illness called sexual addiction. I tricked my wife many times, I deceived her and my family, I paid handlers to protect my reputation. Oh yes, I was miraculously able to use my brains for a minute to plan my sexual escapades despite my mental illness. Even though I’m mentally incapable of controlling my sexual desires, I was able to control who knew about my adultrous life for years. Yes, I am Tiger Woods and I am a sexaholic!
I am the world’s greatest golfer. I am able to maintain a career that requires serious determination and self control because I value my career so much. Hmm, I wonder, if I valued my wife and kids that much, would I show the same amount of determination and exercise the same level of control to protect my family from deceit and embarrassment? But wait a minute! I am rich. I have money. I can sleep with every woman in a skirt and get away with it. That’s why I am weaving Elin and America round my little finger. I will do this rehab thing for a long as I can drag the maze over their eyes so they don’t see what I am really up to. Already, people are defending me. They are saying that I am human. Humans make mistakes. Humans take marriage vows and go back on them all the time. Let me see, what is 13 times 100? Yeah that’s how many times I think I went back on my vows. Yep, it’s my illness that made me do it. And oh, when I make my first apology to America, I will select my own reporters and who can be in the room recording my “apology” to Elin and my fans. Yep! Ahuhn! I am able to plan this press conference with my “people” though I am mentally incapable of controlling the organ that lies beneath my belt buckle.
Life is good. Nike hasn’t dropped me yet. I am already playing golf again. Elin is still sticking around. I already have a lot of fans supporting me. Very soon, all this drama will be a thing of the past. Oh yes, indeed life is good. Mm-mmm, let me rehearse my speech for my next rehab group session: “Hi, I am Tiger Woods and I am a sexaholic. I am already planning my relapses because addicts have relapses all the time, right? So, this time next year, when I sleep with more women, America will call it a relapse. They will be so sympathetic and I will be headed back to rehab again. Yep, my name is Tiger Woods and I have a real illness called sex addiction.””
Act one, Scene one: (Enter Tiger Woods with his Nike cap on. On his lap is the gulf club with which his wife Elin allegedly almost killed him. Tiger is sitting on his suitcase headed for the dog house. His newest residence.)
Life is good. Nike hasn’t dropped me yet. I am already playing golf again. Elin is still sticking around. I already have a lot of fans supporting me. Very soon, all this drama will be a thing of the past. Oh yes, indeed life is good. Mm-mmm, let me rehearse my speech for my next rehab group session: “Hi, I am Tiger Woods and I am a sexaholic. I am already planning my relapses because addicts have relapses all the time, right? So, this time next year, when I sleep with more women, America will call it a relapse. They will be so sympathetic and I will be headed back to rehab again. Yep, my name is Tiger Woods and I have a real illness called sex addiction.””
Monday, April 12, 2010
What We Are Watching This Week (April 12)- I: Dancing with the Stars (Written By Mame Saah)
Time: Live Mondays and Tuesdays 8 pm ET on ABC
Why We Are Watching: After a hard day’s work, what’s more relaxing than watching people dance? The combination of music and dance creates a universal language that brings people together no matter their background. It’s a great de-stresser and therefore a great choice for entertainment. This year’s brilliant cast selection is to be credited for the show’s high ratings. For those of you who are not aware, DWTS is now more popular than American Idol.
Our Favorites: Niecy Nash is our favorite. She is such a joy to watch in whatever she does and she is too funny! We always see her comedic side in her show Clean House and former show Reno 911. It’s nice to see her reveal so much emotion on DWTS. Another side of her that tells us comedians too are human. Her performance tonight was touching coz it was dedicated to her late brother Michael. She may not be the best dancer and she may not win but we are a big Niecy Nash fan and we are voting for her. Go get ‘em, sister!
Evan Lycesek is our pick for who is most likely to win. Watching him on the dance floor is just magical. He never fails to disappoint and his tango tonight was brilliant! We think he is yet to add this trophy to his Olympic gold medal. Go Evan!
Buzz Aldrin: Who can say anything bad about one of America’s greatest heroes? One of the first people to walk on the moon, this 80 year old showed America that anything is possible if you put your mind to it. Two weeks on the show was more than enough for us, Buzz. We loved watching you Buzz. You were awesome and are such an inspiration!
Who is a Drain to Watch: Kate Gosselin- Girl, we love and respect mothers but please forget the drama in your life for a minute and enjoy this experience. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Relax. You are making us cringe when we watch you and that’s not good! There was an improvement in tonight’s performance though so let’s hope you’ll keep that up.
Who Was Hot Tonight: Chad Ochocinco was so hot tonight, Len Goodman was actually flirting with him. Haahaa! OK, so we know all the women will be voting for him tonight after that performance! Wink!
On the Judges: We will focus on Bruno Tonioli this time just coz we are not loving him tonight. Why is he always so mean to Jake the bachelor? Hmmm, let’s see. Could it be that Jake got and is still is getting all the love from the women and Bruno is getting none? From his over the top use of the word “sexy” each time he judges Pamela Anderson and his attempt to jump out of his seat and pounce on her after her performance about a couple of weeks ago, we think we can come to that conclusion- Bruno is starved! Somebody help him! And Bruno, FYI, the word you used when judging Ocho Cinco is “commend” not “command”! Get your grammar right. OK, we are being mean tonight. We know. LOL!
Why We Are Watching: After a hard day’s work, what’s more relaxing than watching people dance? The combination of music and dance creates a universal language that brings people together no matter their background. It’s a great de-stresser and therefore a great choice for entertainment. This year’s brilliant cast selection is to be credited for the show’s high ratings. For those of you who are not aware, DWTS is now more popular than American Idol.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
News/Gossip: Our Top Three Picks for April 11, 2010
Sudan’s First Multi-Party Elections in 24 Years
For a people that have suffered so much violence, let’s hope this landmark event spearheads them in a new direction for peace. Click here for full story
Women Risk Hurting Themselves in High Heels
As an avid high heels fan, this article is near and dear to my heart. I have an article on shoes in the works but I think this one is worth sharing. Suffer to gain, right? Click here to read article.
Sandra Bullock’s Friendship with George Lopez
Awwww, we love this and we love Sandra! I was wondering what all the noise was about regarding Sandra and George until I read this article. She is indeed a sweetheart. Hang in there, girl. Hugs! Click here to read the article.
For a people that have suffered so much violence, let’s hope this landmark event spearheads them in a new direction for peace. Click here for full story
Women Risk Hurting Themselves in High Heels
As an avid high heels fan, this article is near and dear to my heart. I have an article on shoes in the works but I think this one is worth sharing. Suffer to gain, right? Click here to read article.
Sandra Bullock’s Friendship with George Lopez
Awwww, we love this and we love Sandra! I was wondering what all the noise was about regarding Sandra and George until I read this article. She is indeed a sweetheart. Hang in there, girl. Hugs! Click here to read the article.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Our Top 3 News/Gossip Items
Death of Polish President
Our hearts go out to the Polish people for this big loss. You are in our thoughts and prayers. Click here for full story.
Another Cheating Husband
Whoaaaaa! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! Garcell Beauvais-Nillon showed the world that black women don’t play like that. You cheat and we will yank your tail! Ouch! Click here for full story.
500,000 World Cup Tickets Still Unsold
Oh the World Cup is in Africa this time so you are not going? Why, you think the lions and hippos are going to eat you up or something? LOL! Go get ‘em tickets, people! Support Africa! Click here for full story.
Our hearts go out to the Polish people for this big loss. You are in our thoughts and prayers. Click here for full story.
Another Cheating Husband
Whoaaaaa! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! Garcell Beauvais-Nillon showed the world that black women don’t play like that. You cheat and we will yank your tail! Ouch! Click here for full story.
500,000 World Cup Tickets Still Unsold
Oh the World Cup is in Africa this time so you are not going? Why, you think the lions and hippos are going to eat you up or something? LOL! Go get ‘em tickets, people! Support Africa! Click here for full story.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Africans in the Diaspora: 30 Habits That Expose Your True Identity (Written By Mame Saah)
When I was thinking of what to write about as the first blog item on Osaah’s Pen, many ideas came to mind but none struck a chord so dear to my heart than poking fun at my lovely African brothers and sisters! So brothers and sisters in the Diaspora, this one is for you. I am sure you can identify with some of these and I hope you LOL! Here goes:
Let’s Begin With your Eating Habits
1. You always have a big sack of white rice in your kitchen. Like back in the day in Africa, at least two of your meals per day must feature a mountain of rice with a sauce of some dark complexion that you call stew.
2. When you go out to a restaurant, your mood begins to go downhill if you don’t see rice on the menu. And, when you do see the rice on the menu, your excitement overtakes your ability to pay attention to detail such that when your rice is served to you paired with the likes of brussels sprouts, broccoli or asparagus (as indicated on the menu,) you are tempted to ask the waiter, “do I look like a goat that you must serve me green grass in different shapes and sizes?”
3. Before you go to a white friend’s party, you make sure to fill your belly with a high starch content African meal because you know that your white friend will be serving the likes of quiche, salsa chips and salad, non of which “ tickle your fancy.”
4. At least one of your week-end meals consists of a big dumpling-like substance made out of cassava dough, corn dough, or some dough with high start content (again? hmmm!) with such names as fufu, eba and so on. This dumpling is partnered with a soup filled with animal parts. Note: it always has to be some part: pig feet, turkey neck, ox tail, cow’s stomach, goat skin. Ha!
5. No other spice in America can make your food taste as delicious as the authentic salty dried African fish aka koobi, mormoni, etc. The moment this dried fish enters your cooking pot, the ensuing aroma has your landlord/ homeowners association drafting your eviction notice for stinking up the entire neighborhood. Close your windows and light up a candle, please!
6. You refuse to buy lunch at work because you are saving your money to send to the folks back home. Your co-workers are constantly running from the lunch room the moment you bring out your home-cooked lunch. The “aroma” from your lunch is so potent that even when you decide to spare your co-workers and eat in your office behind closed doors, your colleague at the end of the hallway can still tell whenever you are eating your lunch!.
7. You very often eat with your bare hands.
On Your Grooming Habits
8. In your bathroom is located that coarse piece of fishermen’s net you call a bathing sponge. Yes, in Africa where dust follows you everywhere, this fisherman’s net does a good job of scrubbing you clean but why are you still using this net in America? Why are you having a nervous breakdown when you forget to bring your sponge on an overnight trip?
9. You have a “container” full of original shea butter hidden somewhere in your bathroom cabinet. In the driest winter, you swear by this magical African lotion. Despite its “indigenous” smell and inability to blend in with your fragrance selection from Bath and Body Works, you will not let your precious shea butter go.
10. You refuse to acknowledge that other deodorant brands exist on the planet besides the “Sure” brand. You are constantly asking for supplies from family and friends abroad and sneer at the “Secrets” brand sitting on the shelves at Wal-Mart.
On Your Traveling Habits
11. When you are on a flight going back home (Africa), you wear your Sunday best rather than comfortable clothing.
12. It takes you forever to go through the TSA security check point at the airport because taking off your clothes and being swiped takes more than 30 minutes! The pins in your hair and gold chains around your neck wrists and ankles are constantly setting the alarm off.
13. You always have excess luggage because you must bring a piece of America back to everyone of your family and friends back home.
14. Each of your suitcases, including the extra bags, is always over the weight limit. You know this even before you arrive at the airport to check in so each time, you bring an extra bag just in case the “mean” KLM representative asks you to take some of the items out of your bags so you can meet the weight requirement.
15. You are the only spectacle at the check-in lines because while other travelers are zooming through the check-in process, you are grudgingly bending over your open suitcases to take the unnecessary items out of your bags while hurling insults at the KLM representative in your native dialect.
16. In your stubbornness, you put some of the unnecessary items in your carry-on bag because no one is going to weigh that bag at the boarding gate.
17. On your return trip from Africa, the dry edible animals such as fish, snails (the number one taboo on the immigration form), shrimps and other unrecognizable animals of the African sea and forest hidden in your suitcase send the immigration dogs running for their lives the moment the suitcase “lands” at the airport.
When You Are On the Road
18. Your car is either Japanese-made or German-made.
19. You have a flag of your country, an African expression or cultural symbol somewhere in or on you car.
20. When you are having a road rage, your expletives come out in your African dialect, by default.
On Your Social Habits
22. 95% of your friends are Africans. You find it a great accomplishment if you have at least one American friend.
23. The moment you meet an American, your African accent magically “disappears” but try as you may, certain pronunciations come out in a full blown African accent. Case in point: hippopotamus, aluminium, Hyundai. And you replace letter “t” with letter “r” whenever possible.
24. You arrive at least two hours late at every event and you proudly call it the African time.
On Your Entertainment Habits
25. Despite the myriad of sports in America, no other game can take the place of Soccer in your heart. You are therefore an avid fan of a soccer team somewhere in Europe such as Chelsea, Liverpool and Manchester United. You are also a proud owner of your team’s jersey.
26. Whenever your native country’s soccer team is playing in a championship league, you take a day off or illegally stream the game on your computer at work so you can watch the game live and run commentary with your fellow African friends.
27. Your party is not complete without Guinness in your collection of drinks.
28. It’s a rare occurrence if the food served at your parties are labeled. Your non-African friends have to beg you to explain to them what they are about to torture their tongues and stomachs with.
29. The genre of music you did not care much for back in the day in Africa is now the favorite on your play list.
And Last on the List.....
30. You laughed out loud at this list because you identified with more than half of them. This makes you a true African. Unique among your “Diasporan” peers. What’s more, you hold your head up high as being African is now the “it” thing in America. Why? Because your fellow African brother Obama is the president of the United States!
Let’s Begin With your Eating Habits
1. You always have a big sack of white rice in your kitchen. Like back in the day in Africa, at least two of your meals per day must feature a mountain of rice with a sauce of some dark complexion that you call stew.
2. When you go out to a restaurant, your mood begins to go downhill if you don’t see rice on the menu. And, when you do see the rice on the menu, your excitement overtakes your ability to pay attention to detail such that when your rice is served to you paired with the likes of brussels sprouts, broccoli or asparagus (as indicated on the menu,) you are tempted to ask the waiter, “do I look like a goat that you must serve me green grass in different shapes and sizes?”
3. Before you go to a white friend’s party, you make sure to fill your belly with a high starch content African meal because you know that your white friend will be serving the likes of quiche, salsa chips and salad, non of which “ tickle your fancy.”
4. At least one of your week-end meals consists of a big dumpling-like substance made out of cassava dough, corn dough, or some dough with high start content (again? hmmm!) with such names as fufu, eba and so on. This dumpling is partnered with a soup filled with animal parts. Note: it always has to be some part: pig feet, turkey neck, ox tail, cow’s stomach, goat skin. Ha!
5. No other spice in America can make your food taste as delicious as the authentic salty dried African fish aka koobi, mormoni, etc. The moment this dried fish enters your cooking pot, the ensuing aroma has your landlord/ homeowners association drafting your eviction notice for stinking up the entire neighborhood. Close your windows and light up a candle, please!
6. You refuse to buy lunch at work because you are saving your money to send to the folks back home. Your co-workers are constantly running from the lunch room the moment you bring out your home-cooked lunch. The “aroma” from your lunch is so potent that even when you decide to spare your co-workers and eat in your office behind closed doors, your colleague at the end of the hallway can still tell whenever you are eating your lunch!.
7. You very often eat with your bare hands.
On Your Grooming Habits
8. In your bathroom is located that coarse piece of fishermen’s net you call a bathing sponge. Yes, in Africa where dust follows you everywhere, this fisherman’s net does a good job of scrubbing you clean but why are you still using this net in America? Why are you having a nervous breakdown when you forget to bring your sponge on an overnight trip?
9. You have a “container” full of original shea butter hidden somewhere in your bathroom cabinet. In the driest winter, you swear by this magical African lotion. Despite its “indigenous” smell and inability to blend in with your fragrance selection from Bath and Body Works, you will not let your precious shea butter go.
10. You refuse to acknowledge that other deodorant brands exist on the planet besides the “Sure” brand. You are constantly asking for supplies from family and friends abroad and sneer at the “Secrets” brand sitting on the shelves at Wal-Mart.
On Your Traveling Habits
11. When you are on a flight going back home (Africa), you wear your Sunday best rather than comfortable clothing.
12. It takes you forever to go through the TSA security check point at the airport because taking off your clothes and being swiped takes more than 30 minutes! The pins in your hair and gold chains around your neck wrists and ankles are constantly setting the alarm off.
13. You always have excess luggage because you must bring a piece of America back to everyone of your family and friends back home.
14. Each of your suitcases, including the extra bags, is always over the weight limit. You know this even before you arrive at the airport to check in so each time, you bring an extra bag just in case the “mean” KLM representative asks you to take some of the items out of your bags so you can meet the weight requirement.
15. You are the only spectacle at the check-in lines because while other travelers are zooming through the check-in process, you are grudgingly bending over your open suitcases to take the unnecessary items out of your bags while hurling insults at the KLM representative in your native dialect.
16. In your stubbornness, you put some of the unnecessary items in your carry-on bag because no one is going to weigh that bag at the boarding gate.
17. On your return trip from Africa, the dry edible animals such as fish, snails (the number one taboo on the immigration form), shrimps and other unrecognizable animals of the African sea and forest hidden in your suitcase send the immigration dogs running for their lives the moment the suitcase “lands” at the airport.
When You Are On the Road
18. Your car is either Japanese-made or German-made.
19. You have a flag of your country, an African expression or cultural symbol somewhere in or on you car.
20. When you are having a road rage, your expletives come out in your African dialect, by default.
On Your Social Habits
22. 95% of your friends are Africans. You find it a great accomplishment if you have at least one American friend.
23. The moment you meet an American, your African accent magically “disappears” but try as you may, certain pronunciations come out in a full blown African accent. Case in point: hippopotamus, aluminium, Hyundai. And you replace letter “t” with letter “r” whenever possible.
24. You arrive at least two hours late at every event and you proudly call it the African time.
On Your Entertainment Habits
25. Despite the myriad of sports in America, no other game can take the place of Soccer in your heart. You are therefore an avid fan of a soccer team somewhere in Europe such as Chelsea, Liverpool and Manchester United. You are also a proud owner of your team’s jersey.
26. Whenever your native country’s soccer team is playing in a championship league, you take a day off or illegally stream the game on your computer at work so you can watch the game live and run commentary with your fellow African friends.
27. Your party is not complete without Guinness in your collection of drinks.
28. It’s a rare occurrence if the food served at your parties are labeled. Your non-African friends have to beg you to explain to them what they are about to torture their tongues and stomachs with.
29. The genre of music you did not care much for back in the day in Africa is now the favorite on your play list.
And Last on the List.....
30. You laughed out loud at this list because you identified with more than half of them. This makes you a true African. Unique among your “Diasporan” peers. What’s more, you hold your head up high as being African is now the “it” thing in America. Why? Because your fellow African brother Obama is the president of the United States!
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