51. If you know your photos are boring (75% are of debilitated buildings in the city you last visited), please do us a favor and post a maximum of 45 per album. We are beginning to develop arthritis from clicking through your 400 “aesthetic” photos.
52. When you post a status update, let the first three comments be from someone other than yourself. Commenting on your own status updates before others get the chance to, shows you are desperate for attention. It’s OK if no one comments on your post. If it deserves a comment, we will comment.
53. If your status update has more than three typos in it, do us a favor - delete the update and retype with the corrected spellings. Yeah, those corrections that show up in the first three comment boxes are unnecessary. We know you can spell.
54. Half the people in your albums look like red-eyed aliens. The other half are in “silhouettes.” Spare us a trip to the eye doctor and BUY AN UPGRADED CAMERA!!!
55. Letting personal messages sit in your inbox for a week without replying is just plain rude. You are not the President. Hit the reply button!
56. I just saw this in my Live Feed-“Ophelia Johnson is now friends with Fred Simpson and five other people. About an hour ago.” Please do not lie about your whereabouts on Facebook. Live Feed will give you up!
57. Stop the self-promotions in your photo captions. No, you do not look like a supermodel in this photo. You look like a scarecrow with watercolor splashed on its face.
58. You make $10 an hour. Move the counterfeit Chanel and a Gucci bags from your lap to under the chair in your next photo. Thank you very much.
59. We’ve heard enough about what is on the minds of Malcolm X, Nelson Mandela, Maya Angelou, and Toni Morrison in your last ten status updates. Please do as Facebook is asking and tell us what is on YOUR mind!
60. Your attempts at appearing in each of the albums of the “famous Facebook paparazzo” are becoming redundant. You have had your five minutes of fame. Give it up!
61. Before you post your next personal video, please take some video shooting lessons on how to hold the camera still while filming. I am running out of extra strength Tylenol.
62. Your cute baby begins to get “uncute” after the 30th consecutive photo on your page shows a picture of ...... drum roll.... your “cute” baby! Go ahead and replace your profile name with his!
63. Excuse me, this is a public forum. Some of us are tired of cringing at your F-word-coated status updates. Cease and desist before we report you to Facebook Police!
64. Have you heard of the tool “inbox???” Yeah, use it!!! Posting my personal information on your wall is not cool.
65. When you quote the bible in your status updates one week and spit hatred and strife in the next, you appear wishy-washy, Madam Theresa wanna-be! So, what’s it going to be? Madam Theresa or Osama Bin Laden? Pick one because we really want to take you seriously when we see your next status update.
66. Your album looks like an audition for therapy when it contains 50 pictures of you alone in different poses. Sign up for therapy already so we can stop worrying about you.
67. Stop tagging me in every random photo you come across on the internet. Half of them are crude and uninteresting. You are spoiling my reputation.
68. What’s the point of having a wall if we cannot write on it? Delete your psycho friends already and release the wall!
69. If you are going to post a photo of you and I, we BOTH need to look good in the photo. If I looked like I was high on crack, you know what to do. Don’t be selfish.
70. Get over your fear of rejection and send that friendship request. Who is going to know your request was rejected besides the loser that rejected you?
71. If you are logged onto Facebook at work, save the video watching till you get home. You call attention to yourself when you slow down the firm’s network by streaming videos. Besides, I don’t like your employer browsing my page when they are investigating what you are up to.
72. When the next upcoming event shows up on your home page, please let honesty prevail for once and click “Not Attending”. You “attended” the last five events in London, Beijing, South Africa, Chicago and Atlanta from your apartment in The Bronx, NY. It’s time to give up the fibs.
73. You know he does not look hot in the photo. Cut out the brown-nosing in your comments and keep what you really meant to say to yourself!
74. If your desktop or laptop is within arm’s reach, use it. Logging onto Facebook from your mobile phone when you are sitting right in front of the computer does not show bourgeois status.
75. And if you went through the trouble of buying a smart phone just so we can see the mobile logo next to your status update, please do yourself a favor and return it. No one cares where you logged on from!
Welcome to Osaah's Pen! A blog by Mame Saah. Here's your one-stop shop for the funnies, the current, the gossip and the oh-lah-lah! My pen and I hope to get a chuckle out of you during your visit. Happy Reading and do leave us a comment!
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